I howl like the wolf because I am your host of this comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from our horror listeners, to find a solution to their wind up merchant debacles and then laugh at their expense and for the pleasure of all Santa’s vampire reindeers, paranormal wives and demonic elves put together whilst gurning for the film of my life that is running in my head but not in a cinema near you any time soon. Welcome to episode 15 TOP Ten TIPS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR NARCISSISTIC PARENTS OVER CHRISTMAS…that’s the one….yes, we are talking about the parents who really shouldn’t have had you or any of your brothers or sisters in their game of a psychologically horrific marriage that they call home, on this Christmas Eve, the day before what is probably the worst day of the year for y’uns. But I am here to help, and you know my motto. When you are truly miserable and at the end of your tether, prepare for a dystopian hell to come so that your present condition will feel like stinging agony by comparison. And if that makes sense to you, then you are truly screwed from this Christmas forward.

I howl like the wolf because I am your host of this comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from my horror fans, indulge in their Christmas folly, sever a crazed outlier turkey leg or five with a Kenwood 28cm Electric Carving Knife or make love to a spiked Faux Snow Tipped Mountain Pine Christmas Tree that is addicted to snorting talcum powder, then laugh at the expense of their paltry addictions and for  the cost of everyone else’s drunken Christmas avoidance techniques. Welcome to episode 14: Top Ten Presents to buy your partner for Christmas when you want to ditch them on New Year’s Day.

In the bleak mid-winter, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun felt cold and alone and angry and horny all at the same time. And I am sticking to my guns in that I will never ever ever ever EVER eat sprouts. Colonizers, that’s what I eat, and lots of them, with their red coats and mansion houses and entitlement issues that are not issues as they feel no guilt. Hurrah for Limbo and loneliness, which gives me all the time in the world to solve two weekly horror / SCI FI emotional problems, sent in by fans, in around 10 minutes, give or take a fentanyl lollipop.

For once in my life, I have someone who needs me, like a giant hole in the head, blasted with  a possessed AK47 left to rust in the cold and wet and itching to get used and abused so that it can bite back. Who says romance is dead? Me! The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, that’s who, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t laugh at your stupid mistakes when in love or out of love or hovering around contempt. We’re all just plain bored, and that’s why you’re listening to me, your least favourite Agony Aunt, of the eating the colonizers kind, and yes I do like chocolate with my chips.

Firstly, Feckn feel good films hi, who needs them? Hello, is it me you’re looking for??? The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, and no, I’m not parading around in frilly underwear, neither am I running for Fanny of the Week…But I’m still your least favourite Agony Aunt, of the eating the colonisers, but not the mushrooms, kind. Each week I solve two horror and SCI FI emotional problems, sent in by my fans, in less than 10 minutes. So, forget about your willful sexual fantasies and the girl next door with the mountain of neurosis including a vampire bunny crossing as a psychotic wolf, and here we go, jumping out of the frying pan straight into the cauldron and lapping up the time-warped lace around thigh-high stretch marks, or someone else’s wet dream. Rationality is for the birds man, I mean, hi.

Here I am, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, and no, I did not fly head-first, crashing into the earth’s atmosphere, only to avoid hitting planet earth. Neither did I careen straight into a parallel universe called oblivion…..Noooooo….I just ate a few colonisers during the Irish Famine and ended up in Limbo. So sue me. You can learn from my mistakes as your favorite Agony Aunt, here for your pleasure but mostly because you defaulted from your own personal limbo called boredom to seek a little something from The Vigilante Cannibal Nun. Moi.

I howl like the wolf because I am your host of this comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from our hellza poppin listeners, to find a solution to their relationship horror dysfunction, fail good, then better, then laugh up my giant sleeve at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure, hi.  Welcome to episode 9, Top Ten Tips to Survive A Relationship From Hell. Rev up your chainsaws for some good old-fashioned terror…..and here we go….

From Nebuchadnezzar toPol Pot to smoking pot and eating the colonizers…..been there, done that, thinks The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, so you better make your letters good ’uns and worth their weight in angst, because I’m bored out of my tiny mind, hi. But wild horses couldn’t drag me away…because I am bally dead, but, from one rolling stone to another, I like the “Let’s do some living, after we die” bit, and I would add “hi” to that if I were you, as in, “Let’s do some living, after we die, hi.” And who is this rolling stone, the one talking, no one but your friendly, on occasion, neighborhood Vigilante Cannibal Nun, that’s who!

I howl like the wolf because I am your host of this fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from our gruesomely contested and out of their tidy minds listeners, to find a solution to their emotional woes, fail, then laugh at their misfortune, at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure, hi.  Welcome to episode 6, Higher Up The Vegetable Chain & Footless Adultery.

Only a quiet howl like the wolf today, because, there’s a lot of dead souls hanging around in this ethereal living dead limbo land in which I am trapped, but in which I’m having quite a good time, reading letters from a bunch of horrific losers, I mean, horror fans, helping me contextualize my misery, in all honesty, it ain’t half bad. But I bumped into The Military Redcoat, the English soldier I killed, and subsequently ate, all in the name of Irish freedom, back in the mid 19^th century day, loitering around with his cut-throat and guts hanging out, on the prowl for revenge, hi. But, the show must go on because I am your host of this fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from my horror fans, then ridicule their problems at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure, hi. 

And look, there is a new arrival on my “feck away off” doormat. A letter. And it’s from The Military Red Coat! Yikes….Welcome to episode 5 – Revenge of The Redcoat & It’s the Dummy, Dummy.

Welcome to Episode 4 of The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt, a fictional, comedy, horror and SCI FI podcast. Each week, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, live from limbo as the living dead reads two letters from her horror fans, and pisses all over them, at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure.

Her first letter, "Terrorize Me" is from Christine somewhere in the 1980s who wants to be terrorized to feel alive, hi.

Her second letter is "No Way Out" from Carol, but not of the Murphy, from London circa 1965, who is having sex with the men she hallucinates coming out of the walls of her flat. In other words, she’s mad, hi.

Strange I’ve Seen That Face Before, Seen Him Hanging Round My Door, Well Grace Jones if you’ve seen the noggin on this one you’re in the wrong place because I am, Maggie Murtagh, otherwise known as The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, and where I am, you don’t want to be. Believe me. Purgatory, hi. But, back to the script, I am born of the imagination of the Nordy artist Carol Murphy, that crazy, problem personality disorder N’Irish beeeaaaatttcccch hi. I started life in a series of her verse-driven performance films all about me, that Folk Famine Fable called The Body & Blood, launched by Murphy online at the beginning of 2022 at https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk

Welome to Episode 2 of The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt, a fictional, comedy, horror and SCI FI podcast. Each week, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, live from limbo as the living dead - after rampaging Ireland as a vigilante cannibal, eating the colonisers during The Famine - reads two letters from her emotionally dysfunctional listeners then pisses all over their problems at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure. Her first letter is "Turn Left You Bastard" from Debbie, Glengormley circa 2024. Her second letter is "Don't Touch The Nylon" from Concetta Giallo circa 1965.

Welome to the inaugural episode of The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt, a fictional, comedy, horror and SCI FI podcast. Each week, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, live from limbo as the living dead - after rampaging Ireland as a vigilante cannibal, eating the colonisers during The Famine - reads two letters from her emotionally ill-fettered listeners, salivates over their problems, and vomits up solutions, at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure. Her first letter is "All You Need is Blood" from Bloodbath Berta, Vienna circa 1975. Her second letter is "Virgin Zombie" from Sarah, an American College Student circa 1968.