Interview with a Cannibal Nun

Finger Lickin’ Good, hi.

An interview has been found in the archives of The New Observer Sunday Supplement dated January 1848, between an unknown and unnamed Irish journalist and his lover, rumored to be the folk famine avenging angel, known locally, amongst those still standing, as The Vigilante Cannibal Nun. She was a serial killer who stole from the rich to give to the starving poor, then ate her victims, who were largely the landed gentry and some other rapacious bastards. No one ever found out who the Cannibal Nun was, but she was rumored to be a girl who lolled by the name of Maggie Murtagh, a missionary nun, who sometimes enjoyed the missionary position (dirty, dirty, dirty dirtydirtydirtydirtydirtydirtydirtydirtydirtydirty bitch). She returned to Ireland during the Great Irish Famine, only to find that her family were all dead. Tt is a fascinating document proving that if pushed to the limit anyone can go stark raving mad, hi. Read on.

-       What was your childhood or earliest ambition? 

To get the flock out of dodge or out of my mind. I managed to get out but I had to come back, and then I lost my mind. So I think I have succeeded.

-       Private school or State School? University or straight into work? 

Rampage. Break a few laws, hi!

-       Who was or still is your mentor? 

God. But he abandoned me, then punished me, saying it was my fault. FFS. Livin’ in the past.

-       Who are your creative influences? 

Grace Jones, Dick Emery and Christmas Panto.

-       How physically fit are you? 

As Paganini’s fiddle, literally played to the death by some alcoholic snow bird running from wake to wake, not giving a damn about the devil, only the pay, which is in pints.

-       Ambition or talent? Which matters more in success? 

Moxie.

-       How politically committed are you? 

Body & Soul.

-       What’s your biggest extravagance? 

The Coloniser’s land and wealth, all of it, which is actually mine, so I don’t have a big or a small extravagance.

-       What ambitions do you still have? 

To bring the bog to the Paris catwalk. We got the look.

-       What drives you on? 

A dogged, self-loathing, guilt ridden, never-ending, story. So I interrupt it on occasion with a diamond tipped whip, which, when used properly, makes perfectly shaped, red indented, satellite states on my back. I am also driven by the knowledge that when I give myself a good thrashing, I look good in the process, American Psycho stylee. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, or best master. Either way, the aesthetic works, and that not only pleases me, but drives me to distraction - that being the state that gives me comfort. Either that or a hot golden fork dragged across my frontal lobe five times in a row, or until the skin splits. Yo mama.

-       What is the greatest achievement of your life so far? 

I died and died again.

-       What do you find most irritating in other people? 

No moxie.  

-       If your 20-year-old self could see you now, what would she think? 

I am 20. And I will be 20 forever.

-       Which object that you lost do you wish you still had? 

My soul. But I lost it serving a worthy cause.

-       What is the greatest challenge of our time? 

Staying alive. I’m with the Bee Gees on that one. One foot in front of the other. Shake that sweet ass, even when no one is looking, and, trust me, no one is looking. It’s a tragedy.

-       Do you believe in afterlife? 

I’m living it.

-       If you had to rate your satisfaction with your life so far, out of 10, what would you score? 

I can’t get no satisfaction. Can I go into negative numbers? Why am I asking you? Of course I can. I can do anything. And nothing. Damn. Then again, I thrive on not being satisfied. So I am !00% satisfied.